Despite the fact that he is a closet homosexual, Neva Dinova guitarist Mike Kratky has slept with many, many women. Estimates of his erotic endeavors range in number from one hundred fifty to three thousand forty. And what does the busy bartender have to say about such speculation?

"Sometimes I feel silly, sometimes sassy. Sometimes I feel like a silly, sassy cocktail with a twist of naughty on the rocks."

Kratky joined the band as a second guitarist in 1998, and early critics described his style as "Jimi Hendrix, if he couldn't play guitar and was gay." While Kratky admits that the early criticism stung, he points out that he has improved tremendously.

"Really hurtful remarks coming from my mom like that really hurt me," Kratky said as a single tear ran down his cheek. "But I validated myself by practicing my buns off until I became a superstar. I'm telling you, when I get up on stage now, I sparkle. And no one can take that away from me. No one."

When he's not playing music or tending bar, Kratky can usually be found at bandmate Heath Koontz's house, pretending to play music and tend bar.

"Heath has a bar in his dining room, and what I like to do is to set up all my stuffed animals at the bar and serve them non-alcoholic spritzers, except for Captain Tooterpoot who likes him his rummy! While they unwind, I do a little show, a little song and dance if you will, to the soundtrack of 'Grease,' and then we all cuddle up in front of the TV for 'Golden Girls' reruns. At some point during the evening an anonymous teenage whore with bleached hair and shaved pubes will drop by and we'll do the nasty. Then I make sure all my furry friends have used the potty and brushed their teeth, except for Little Curly-Q who is still in diapers and Old Grumpypants who wears dentures, and then it's off to beddy bye with the whole lot of us."