Jake Bellows' bright blue half-shirt says it all.

"'Hands Off.' You like it?" asks Bellows, fingering his rattail. "It's basically my whole philosophy. You know, hands off."

A man who guards his privacy nearly as much as his vast collection of Ted Nugent and Steve Ray Vaughn bootlegs, the guitarist and vocalist has often been described by fans as "elusive" and "hard to find."

"Well, basically I'm in the shitter a lot of the time. See, the government routinely places mind controlling chemicals in my toothpaste, so I take up to thirty laxatives a day and eat the spiciest foods I can find in order to rid my system of potential bugging and mind control devices. I also refrain from showering or washing my clothes."

Such extreme precautions, though, can lead to more severe problems, as Bellows learned recently when chronic pain forced him to undergo back surgery.

"Well, basically what happened was that my small intestine and colon had petrified and turned to stone after years of constant exposure to the liquid hot lava running through my bowels," said Bellows. "The doctors finally convinced me to let them make a one-inch incision in my lower back and repair the damaged area. Unfortunately, during the surgery the government was able to plant a mind control device in my sixteenth vertebra, so I had to reopen the wound with my K-bar knife and dig the little bugger out of there."

Though his self-waged battle against the government leaves little time for song writing, Bellows isn't worried.

"Actually, I don't write the songs, they come to me via interference in the radio waves emitted from the mind-control device planted in my brain stem," said Bellows. "I don't know who's writing them. But I do know that the government ain't gonna take me alive, not if I can help it."