five, eight & ten. the humble and righteous and meek are teaching me whose will to seek but who really knows how to speak about these things questions of where can he go when he is feeling so low and kicking himself just to show how he still bleeds and i want to know the difference between what sparkles and what is gold i wonder how many eyes are fixed like a vultures on me now i wonder if i can even move or breathe without disappointing someone and i know what they call themselves but i don't remember inviting them to put me on this pedestal and make me feel so naked afraid to look down afraid to turn around i bring it on myself i know i bring it on myself and i want to know the difference between what sparkles and what is gold i walked along beside the purple mountains beneath the orange sky imagined what it all might look like with these planks out of my eyes i wondered if the big white horse was coming down tonight i wanted to taste that victory but my mouth was dry my mouth was dry (there is only tonight and the light that bleeds from your heart makes me want to try and start again).

gloria. a brave morning thoughts flap their wings and fly and i can still taste defeat on my lips bright tie fish fly i have not yet arrived how can i not admit i need to know you cause i just want to be something more than the mud in your eyes i want to be the clay in your hands hey sorrow where are you tomorrow just won't be the same without you here i'll wish for shoulders bold and broad to bear and strength to hold my head above them cause i just want to be something more than the mud in your eyes i want to be the clay in your hands cause gloria is silent gloria is silent gloria is silent and glory is a silent thing.

slower. it's been so long since i've been by myself and i need this more than you will ever know people like you and me never feel the breeze people like you and me will never know the easy way i scream into the wind and laugh as the words slap me in the face i would gladly trade a lifetime of convenience for an honest day or two it's just not the same when you're staring into a perfect golden sunset and thinking about how you sold your soul to send the rain away it's been so long since i've stood on my two feet i'd really rather lay here and pretend but people like you and me never get that peace it comes from denying that everything is so screwed up it's so screwed up i stand on a building and throw up my arms to the sky i swallow my pride and admit that it's not always best to understand the reason why it's just not the same when you wake up in the morning with a smile on your face when you know you lied yourself to sleep to make it better make it better.

dolorosa. rejoice my soul how long will you wait? rejoice my soul how long will you fear? i long to touch your face (may i?) the sun is falling down again Jesus i hope you're coming back soon.

80-37. lemonade stands and memories of innocence and purity and the noon-day sun at ninety degrees (the things i carry with me) the ice cream man at four or five how we'd flag him down and ask for rides and evenings when we'd sit outside and name the cloud shapes in the sky those days are gone now and we must carry on but i will not forget the things i learned on your front lawn and how we rode those dusty trails on huffys and schwinns from christmas sales made forts out of crates with rusty nails and only came home when our stomachs failed those days are gone now and we must move forward still but i will not forget the things i understood at your window sill i walked your street again last night and laughed to dull the sting of spite but your door was dark and it made me cry cause mother always kept you shining bright but things they change and people grow and move in step with the green-paper flow but deep inside i wonder (or maybe i already know) that they never really find the answers.

if i could. she stepped outside into the morning air to watch the cars go by and let the sun dry her hair i wanted to tell her how beautiful she was but i just stared i sat behind the wheel and watched the raindrops as they gathered on the windshield and raced down into the humming motor and she folded up her fears like paper airplanes and lost them in the trees and i know i don't deserve this: the capacity to feel (to laugh and to cry and to praise) for that i live and breathe and wake each day clean is nothing less than your grace (in awkward and glorious movement).

july. the sun fell down again last night on my anger the sun fell down again last night on my frustration and on my spite and i didn't even cry i didn't even try to stop it at all i just stood there and watched it fall and this is the last song that i should ever sing just one more time and i'll shut my mouth forever.

silver. and happiness is just a dream or so it seems it's something that i can never see and i just want to lay my head in your arms and bleed awhilesunshine go away i don't want to play come back again some other day when i've got something beautiful to say and stay awhile.

take the picture now. there are blue skies in my dreams and laughter that seems unending there are green grass fields there and happiness and hope for tomorrow my cup is full and my heart spills awkward and embarrassing blood onto white-golden streets and i am unashamed of the stains my steps leave tears stream down my cheeks only to meet their redeemer and be wiped away and there is joy ah there is joy.

parking lot. i wouldn't mind if you took me in my sleep tonight i wouldn't even put up a fight i wouldn't care if you took it all away today i'm sure i wouldn't even miss the pain but i know i've got to live my life and roll aroud on the ground and feel the strife and realize along the way that i'm nothing more than a grain of salt in the salt of the earth and everything is grace so come on with the darkness come on with the fear cause i've got to start somewhere and it might as well be here and when i'm finally naked and standing in the sunlight i'll look back at all this selfishness and foolish pride and laugh at myself.

From ENDSERENADING:

LoveLetterTypewriter. summer unfolded, like a tapestry. and you were there - as you have always been there - glowing where the sky meets with the trees. and softly crowing, singing fears to sleep. "will you ever know how much I love you for that?"

Palisade. and there I was at fourteen - spinning with my arms out like a scarecrow; walking down monroe to the park, and dancing up madison. With my eyes closed, your feet sounded like a symphony of strings (you picked me up, and whispered: "forever", like a secret in my ear). to smile (like it caused the grass to bend). the warm wind and these memories are gifts that I could never comprehend. i died that day. but something was born inside of me that I cannot explain away.

Gjs. you woke me in the morning to say "he is risen!" and i replied with a smile "he is risen indeed." and somehow you always leave the room, alive with truth and beauty - and carry yourself like you know that it's all just a matter of time. i said, "but maybe I'm too far down this time." "too proud to hope - to weak to climb." but you just pierce me through with eyes, that know i'm not (and i can); and carry yourself like you're sure of it: that the stitches dissolve, and the wounds all heal in time. i only hope someday i might resemble you in even the smallest way; i only hope that you can be proud of me.

Unfinished. i wish you could put your ear up to my heart (and hear how much i love you). i still dream of december - dancing together, with rings on our fingers. "and the two shall become..."

ForIvadell. ivadell, you held us in your arms that day - but look at how tiny me and matthew both were; and you so strong, and full of grace. what stories these pictures can tell, of days when we bathed brightly in the sun; with the medicine of laughter everywhere. ivadell, I held you in my thoughts that day (and wished that they were arms) when you were frail - and passing from this place. what stories your paintings told boys, of hills too steep to climb, ascended (and hearts that were not afraid to flap their wings and fly). but you are safe now - and effortlessly breathing - where new weather will fall on you; and all your fears, break (like waves folding into themselves and disappearing into the sea).

WakingToWinter. in winter, when the air gets cold - and breathing causes white ghosts to appear - they light up the city with christmas trees, and strings that hang across the street (from telephone pole...to telephone pole...to telephone pole...). so that when I'm driving home at night - tired, frustrated and pinned down by spite - i'm reminded that your love (unlike these things) will never change, or fade, or pass away.

ALetter. and always, there is a picture of you and her - coming home, happy, from a vacation on the seas. and you looked like a sailor, with a tattoo of an anchor on your arm - your hair greased back (face weathered by places and days I'd never seen). sometimes i read and re-read the birthday card you sent me when i turned seven. and i know the sun will never shine the way it did that day (when we threw paper airplanes at your head, and sat on your knees - laughing).

SoundsLikeSunday. time doesn't always heal: it just breathes and swallows memories like the seasons change - sending showers; beating flowers into the mud. and nothing is forever in this place. nothing but the way my heart fits in your hands; the held breath of hope; and the sweet lingering taste of grace. ("how blessed we are for crying now, for we will laugh someday…and how.")

&Serenading. will you come? and what will i say? "oh...i have been so distant...and unhappy" (like i could disappear). when i was a boy, i saw things that no one else could see. so why am i so blind at 22, to the hope that is all around me - filling up this room. on the road. on my own. waiting for the words to fall from your tongue, into my ears. when i was a boy, i could hear symphonies in seashells. so why am i so deaf at 22, to the sound of the driving snow that drives me home to you.

TheLastWordIsRejoice. "how will I drink from that stream?" "how will my heart sing your praise?" "how will I lay down in green grass fields, when my soul is so afraid to...rejoice..."

Other MINERAL lyrics:

february. and the snow falls down melts before it even hits the ground and i'm standing here listening to the sound of your hand washing back and forth across my filthy heart and i don't know if i should say "i'm sorry" or "thank you" i try to speak but the tears choke the words and i think i finally know what they mean when they talk about joy.

md. i drove all day through sun and fear to see you and to meet her with a hope stained heart and this promise in my head and it's good to know we haven't outgrown the love we shared as children who would gladly hold out their other hand and say "i have a brother" and when you were just three years old and i was still a baby (who spoke in tongues that noone else could understand) you told them what i wanted remember halloween when you were robin and i was batman and everybody laughed at us and said we had it wrong cause you were the taller one she's beautiful and i know that you'll be happy so take this as my blessing wrapped up with all the love that i can send cause you are my brother my friend and my superior till the end.

rubber legs. i remember lttle town and the big gray house with the burgundy door the lawn shaped like a boot and the boy who liked pretending that the island in the middle was a shore time is a clock ticking it stops my heart to think of it i remember the magic in your eyes i'd stare at them and you'd say the silliest things like "christopher i'm crazy about you" and "matthew i love you monstrously" and it's my favorite time of year how i wish that you were here (or how i wish that i could be there) to watch the lights blink on the tree give thanks to god for everything and lay down all my fears and it's too late to call you on the phone and tell you that your boy is all alone tonight but i will never forget how you taught me to stand on these rubber legs and fight.